20110906

Settling.

I don't even know where to begin.
My heart torn between its own idealistic tendencies reminds me that I've felt this way too many times to count.
I've been on either side of this coin.
Watching it spin, precariously, my heart pounding with each revolution
And as the gravity around it seems to shift, it falls.

Tails.

What does that even mean??

I lost?

He looks at me. I can't read him. I'm not used to that.
It drives me mad on the best of days.
I want to know what he is thinking.
I don't ask.
Perhaps, I only think I want to know what he's thinking.

I want him to look at me. Not through me. Not around me. I want him to want to tell me every secret he dare not admit to even himself.

Of course, that fantasy has long past died.
I feel like he's settling.

I hate it.

Settle somewhere else.

I want him to know. Just to know when he looks into my eyes that no one will ever love him the way I will, if given the chance.

I'm not ready for it.

But then again, I have always refused to settle.

In the meantime, I feel that shift in gravity, and the precariously ever revolving coin, prior to its reluctant surrender.

20110523

A


I can’t even look at you sometimes.

The guilt seeping off my body.

Betrayal of my instincts.

You hold me close and the universe melts away.

I feel safe. Protected.

When you kiss me I am lost in that space where we share breath.

It’s unreal.

I feel like you could take my life with just one kiss. One touch.

This can’t happen and we both know it.

I fight so hard to keep a wall up

But you penetrate it with every look

I don’t know what you are thinking

What you are feeling

This situation is unrealistic.

The games we play, destructive.

You ask if I want you to stop

You already know the answer

Betrayal of my instincts

The guilt seeping off my body

And I can only look at you. Sometimes.



20110514

(unfinished, work in progress)

I went back to that place
where you wrapped your arms around me
and we saw our futures
in the murky depths of the duck pond
before your broken promises
before the lies
the alienation
before you retreated
and i visibly became a shell
of the girl i once was
as I swim in those broken promises
where I cannot see nor touch bottom
i regret nothing
for i am here
and you are not
and for that i couldn't be more thankful
my fortune catches in the wind
it swirls amidst the atmosphere until it dissipates
in that same place
where you pressed your lips into mine
with silent promises
in that space between time