11/14/15

There are so many things I want to say to you.

I still remember making up reasons to see you.

I remember the first time you kissed me

The first time we fucked

and the first time we made love.

I remember that first betrayal

when I threw your phone against the wall.

I remember the first time I knew you really loved me

and the first time I knew there was no one else I'd rather be with.

This is what makes this so incredibly hard.

Those first times full of promises and hope,

shared dreams and plans that withered as the years went by

I want to say that this is no one’s fault.

But really the responsibility lies equally between us both.

My heart is aching for the broken promises we made to one another

I feel empty and lonely inside.

What is left when we start hiding and avoiding the truth?

My authenticity is draining

You deserve my best. I deserve your best.

And this is not that.

Afterthought

I have always been in love with your language.
A man’s intelligence will leave me weak
I feel your whisper against the span of my skin
Rescinding my every inhibition
My musings look like kindergarten finger-paints when compared
To your Matisse-like keystrokes
Every word imprinted on the page
With no apology; no regret
I always imagine you asserting how it doesn’t matter
Spilling into a dramatic rant
My insecurity both a disappointment and an opportunity
I could stay and watch your body fill the distance between us
Though your voice carries me
And I feel you
But I was never there
You were never there
We were never there