whispered

I have a half hour until my meeting.

I'm in the library close to tears and I can not even pretend to know why.

You left me long before you even moved to Missoula.

You left the idea of us, and the beauty of our relationship downtown in San Francisco with the stench of your fear and the slightly salted tide.

And you never gave it a chance.

Not because you didn't want to. Why else would you travel to Missoula?

But because of your fear. Your insecurity.

You refuse to work through them.

And I can't talk about fear and insecurity...

I carry them in my pocket all day.

My insecurity.

My fear.

The difference is, I take them out and play with them, then tuck them safely in my pocket where I feel the most connected to them.

But in taking them out to play, I work at them, I chip away at the constant nagging I feel when they are in my pocket.

That is where we differ.

You hide yours. It becomes more powerful that way. If they are always hiding then all they do is whisper to you. They seep into your every being and overwhelm each and every decision you make. And it can feel like you are in control. But you aren't.

You pretend to do things to conquer them. Isnt that the real reason you came to Missoula?

To combat some demons and give something that terrifies you a try?

But instead, you put it in a pocket and it whispered. It whispered so loud that the thoughts became your own and rather than love me, appreciate me, share with me, you parented me.

That is what the insecurity whispered. Take over. You are a man. Make things the way they ought to be.

What you should have been whispering back is, if I do that, just to prove I am a man, you win. The insecurity wins.



And it did.

And that is why you stayed. The fear whispered you must stay. If you stay and you fix things then you can leave in control.

And you listened.